Koi Ele'ele

Reflections of the past and present

Mon, 08 Dec 2003 01:49:14 GMT

I can't believe I'm writing this! If someone ever hacked it ... they'd never speak to me again, any of them. But I figured some things out, so I guess I'd better write them down before I forget them.

Last night I had a date with Aysta Broken-in-Two, who works as a hostess at Reflections. Damn, but she is a hot woman! Lerah asked me to give her the Koi experience, and I guess I delivered. Aysta seems a little dim, or perhaps just naive, but very eager. By the sky and sun, did I really promise to teach her about ass-sex next time? I guess that means there will be a next time. She was obviously experienced, and I might even have made a step towards convincing her to come to some Tengrist meetings. Whoever her boyfriend is, he must be a fool to not be with her all day and all night.

After she left, I came to a realization, an epiphany, maybe. Sometimes when a girl likes a guy, but is too shy, or the guy is with another girl, she will hit on his friend, as a kind of transference, or maybe just to hang out with the guy she really likes. So I realized, sure, I like to fuck these hot women, and they are good in bed. But with both Amano and Aysta, I'm only doing it because I can't have Lerah. By fucking them, I'm just getting as close as I can to the woman I want, but can't have. Damn, I miss her beside me at night. But I screwed that up, and even if I have had her now and again since that time ... fuck. I think I'm just going to go and cry.

Also, I've been feeling bad about having lied to Lerah the other day about Chirou. Damn, why did I do that? Why did I have to make up a gun where there was none? To be a big man? To make her feel like she needed my protection? To make it seem like I was in real danger, so she'd take pity on me and have sex with me? He did threaten me, I guess, but if there had been a gun, for real ... shit, I'd have turned the bastard in in a second. Fucked if I can explain myself. One psychoanalytic revelation per week is my limit.

Why did I tell her?

Tue, 02 Dec 2003 21:33:07 GMT

Went to visit Lerah yesterday to apologize for that whole business with Kirsten. Fortunately, it seems that Lerah mostly blames her, probably because she assumes I'm too pathetic to say no to a beautiful woman. Of course, she's right; if Lerah had made one move in that direction, I'd have had her in the back office too. It turns out she wanted to set me up with one of her new hostesses, Aysta, who is hot enough that I wonder what's wrong with her that she can't get a real boyfriend. Well, a Koifriend will have to do, I guess.

But for the life of me I don't know why I told Lerah about that business with Junichirou. Now she's going to tell Amano, Amano is going to tell Junichirou, and then *he's* going to kill me, just like he said. I just know he is. I guess I must have been worried about Amano. When she fibbed me the other week, all flirty and sexy and probably high, it brought back all those memories of the time we had together, when my only goal was to bring her over the top again, and again, and again ... I need a woman who needs me, I guess, and when a woman needs me, I can't resist her. By the sky and sun, I'm pathetic.

Fri, 07 Nov 2003 06:38:38 GMT

Hm, a journal. Well, at least it can't get mad at me or tell me I'm pathetic.

I really screwed up today. I stopped by Reflections for a drink, and one of the hostesses, Kirsten van Marter, was hitting on me. She's really hot, although I think her tits are modded. Anyway, one thing led to another and we ended up in the back office of Reflections in the Wishing Well position for about half an hour. Then Lerah, who is like one of my only true friends outside the Tengrists, came into the office. I didn't even notice at first, cause I was in Green Wall focus. So I come out of it finally to see Lerah standing there and I just stand there like an idiot. I mean, I'm totally naked; what am I supposed to say? Eventually I guess I must have put on my pants and run out of there like an idiot. Lerah was pretty pissed off, though. I hope Kirsten didn't get in too much trouble.

In other news, Deforrest isn't going to fire me, despite what Wilson says. I swear sometimes he's a jerk to me just on principle. I feel bad for that kid of his Yatim. I think sometimes Wilson expects us to be all nice to him just cause he's an Austronesian refugee and Yatim has TID. Well, I don't care; he's a controlling arrogant jerk and I don't know why Deforrest puts up with him. There, I said it.

I still can't believe Apara is really gone. The sex was good, sure, but that wasn't all. She was a Tengrist, and so we shared a lot of secrets and techniques that I just can't share with my uninitiated lovers. Sometimes I wish I could convince Lerah or Amano or Kirsten or one of the others to join. Maybe I'd be a good teacher. More likely, I would suck. Maybe I'll go to temple today and see what the offerings are. Lately it's been sort of slow there..

Now I have to figure out some way of making it up to Lerah. She's friendly and is a pretty good fucker, for an amateur.